Back in 2009, during possibly my most serious longterm bout with depression, I used to listen to this song on repeat for, like, an hour or two at a time. I had it on my iPod, and I would go for these long aimless walks.
I had a secret place that I would go to, where I would just sit and listen to this song. It was this empty lot with gravel and trash and overgrown weeds. There were these two big metal pipes lying on their side next to each other, and I would sit on one and put my feet up on the other one.
It was in the middle of summer and the sun beat down on my back. I would wear these ridiculous mirrored sunglasses that I had found on the sidewalk and just listen to this song over and over and over again.
It was one of the ways I'd developed of removing myself from myself.
One of the lyrics (even though they'd been omitted from this instrumental version of the song) spun around and around in my head. It made so much sense to me.
I'm just about to lose my mind, honey, honey, yeah...
That line became the title of a comic I was working on. I put everything I had inside me into that comic. And when I look at it now I can see how absolutely lost I felt then. I fell into that comic and got lost in it, too. It was another way for me to remove myself from myself.
Tonight I put that song on again. I hadn't heard it in a very long time. And then I remembered that vacant lot with its pipes. The last time I'd walked past there someone had erected some condos over it. My secret place was gone. But it was okay because I didn't need it anymore.
No comments:
Post a Comment